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Midnight Mass by ~NostalgiaOfMud:iconNostalgiaOfMud:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Narrative > Open


Then, when the legs of women
ended with my eye line
at the knee  
and their dark and distant faces   
loomed beaky under winged mantilla;  
at the offertory when their heads fell,  
dropping with the weight of eagles   
at the altars bell; when the red faced men
slurred squat responses from their exile
at the rear and an elevated choir dropped ripe
hosannas through a mist of myrrh and beer;   
on the stroke of twelve when the midwife priest
held aloft a squealing Jesus: then, and only then,  
would my mother blush, staring down the depths  
between her own sad sin made flesh; allowed
up way past bed time, swaddled in the press
of decent women.
©2009 ~NostalgiaOfMud
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Submitted: January 6
File Size: 946 bytes
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Comments: 57
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Author's Comments

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Daily Deviation, 2009-01-14

Daily DeviationThe suggester said: "Midnight Mass by ~NostalgiaOfMud is a poetic delight full of internal and slant rhyme complemented by exquisite vocabulary and vivid imagery." (Suggested by `imperfect and Featured by `lovetodeviate)

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Comments


`imperfect:iconimperfect: Jan 6, 2009, 11:53:05 PM
wonderful piece.

I would just break line 2 like:

Then, when the legs of women
ended with my eye line
at the knee
and their dark and distant faces
loomed beaky under winged mantilla;

to emphasise the pause at the knee.

--
It seems a fantastic paradox, but it is nevertheless a most important truth, that no architecture can be truly noble which is not imperfect.
~NostalgiaOfMud:iconNostalgiaOfMud: Jan 7, 2009, 1:36:20 AM
Hi - welcome back. It is heartening to hear again from someone who knows their poetry. I have added the break as suggested and I like it!
*PeacefulSoul:iconPeacefulSoul: Jan 14, 2009, 2:50:04 AM
This is a well-writ Poem to my understanding, but for others I also have to say it might be tougher to decipher. However, I just wanted to say, congratulation on the Daily Deviation.

Tip:

A hint of simplicity in Poetry is always good for absorbsion, IF it can be helped. If not it is always best to leave it as is.

Great work!

--
"A wise man who strokes his goatee grows wiser; and one who cuts it strokes less, lacking sharpness!"
~Your-Master-Aldrich:iconYour-Master-Aldrich: Jan 14, 2009, 5:18:01 AM
This is simply amazing, there are no other words that could do justice to your work.

--
"Tell me graham, how does it feel knowing that you've just been fucked by a dead man?"
~Aldrich
~ItsxMagik:iconItsxMagik: Jan 14, 2009, 11:36:32 AM
I don't know why this doesn't have more comments and faves.
It's amazing - the vocabulary used is simply fantastic.
The concept of the whole thing is one that probably has not been written about often.
Congratulations on the DD; you certainly deserved it.

--
i'm so lost, i'm barely here
~NDean:iconNDean: Jan 14, 2009, 11:48:22 AM
this is such an evocative piece. the subtle hints of religion blur with the reality of birth so effectively till that rather thought-provoking climax.

It even made my comment read specially lol... amazing work

--
And the pen scribbled forever more
~Imagine16:iconImagine16: Jan 14, 2009, 1:53:32 PM
Good, really good^^
~lobishop:iconlobishop: Jan 14, 2009, 2:10:31 PM
This is really poetic I like it...

--
Deathnote is OVER THE TOP AWESOME!!!
Powns all!!
Owner-Sit Bubu sit good dog :boogie: :dance::XD:
~rabidmoon:iconrabidmoon: Jan 14, 2009, 2:38:28 PM
Just...tremendous. Every line brings so much imagery and weight. I knew where it was going, and yet I read it twice, because I enjoyed the trip. :)

I especially liked this line:

"an elevated choir dropped ripe
hosannas through a mist of myrrh and beer"

--
“Social order at the expense of liberty is hardly a bargain.” - De Sade

Some of my Fiction at: [link]
=VampireProdigy:iconVampireProdigy: Jan 14, 2009, 2:52:45 PM
Actually, I don't like your imagery at all. Seems over used. I'm sorry. =/

Congrats on the DD though.

--
"I'm glad I didn't die before I met you."
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